Friendships...

In my list yesterday, I mentioned that I want to have strong, healthy relationships with friends and family.  Today, I don't.  I accept responsibility for this.  My crime has been lack of effort, even avoidance.  It's not that I don't like or want my friends.  It's that I've been so down the past few years that I've feared that I'd have to fess up to them that things aren't going very well.  I'd always been such an optimistic person, full of life, full of thoughts.  To me, I couldn't bear to be a downer to the people I cared about the most.  Part of me didn't want to be judged.  Part of me didn't want to be one of those whiners, always bringing people around them down.  That's not me, yet that's what I'd allowed myself to become.  I couldn't deal with telling my friends.  So, I coped by not calling them, and becoming incommunicado.  Hell, in a sense I'd become a recluse.

My best friend, Dave, lives in Southern California, about an hour's flight away.  I'd been in the area several times over the years, and hadn't stopped bye to see him.  I hadn't been calling him much.  At times he called me, left messages... even sent e-mails.  I was feeling so bad about myself, that I couldn't bear to speak with anyone.  What would I say, "life sucks?"  I wanted to wait until things got better, until I was full of life again before speaking with them.  Things never got better; I never called.  Finally, I really needed someone to talk to about life.  I called Dave, and he wasn't there for me... mostly because he felt hurt that I'd been avoiding him.  He was pretty straight with me, that he'd felt shunned and ignored... that he really was too mad at me to chat.  This happened about three years ago, I've remembered his birthday and anniversary, even his wife's birthday every year.  He's remembered mine, and we've sent each other birthday wishes.  Yet that's all our friendship has become.  That really saddens me.

I have three intact relationships.  One is Carmen, a female friend from back east.  There's Chrissy, the one I spoke of last week.  And the third is an old college roommate of mine, Ray.  I'm actually back in contact with Ray, after 20 years of losing touch.  About five years ago, I'd broken up with my girlfriend at the time.  Both of us were doing very well financially, and were renting a huge four bedroom house, overlooking the mountains, with a Jacuzzi in the back yard and three gardens on the property.  When we broke up, I simply couldn't afford the rent.  When looking for homes to rent, I noticed a man walking his dog with two little girls.  It was Ray, my old college roommate.  I stopped the car and said, "Hi Ray".  He said "Hi", but clearly didn't know who the heck I was.  I reminded him, and he was pleasantly surprised.  I parked the car, walked with him and chatted.  Later I went to his home and met his wife.  We exchanged numbers and e-mails, but never really followed up.  Several months ago, after this breakup, I again needed to find another apartment.  I selected one, and on move in day, who should walk around the corner, but Ray with his two girls.  It turns out, that he lives in the same building as I, only three doors down.  He has divorced the wife I met, and is now living with his fiance.  We've been getting to know each other again, and I'm trying not to be so aloof.

A few weeks ago, just before the holidays, an old friend of mine, Mike called. I'd fallen out of contact with him too.  We worked together in Maryland, years ago, before I joined Microsoft.  We used to run into each other at Microsoft conferences, and would always have a few meals and perhaps drinks together to chat.  I was quickly becoming a millionaire with my Microsoft stock.  While he was making a respectable salary, had no stock, and wasn't financially as sound as I was becoming.  After a couple of years, he showed interest in joining me at Microsoft, I made a few phone calls and helped him get hired.  He actually moved to California, in the same group within Microsoft as I.  It was quite an adjustment for him too.  The bad part was that Microsoft Stock had really peaked, and was headed downward.  My many hundreds of thousands turned into very little.  I sold a bit, but really lost it all.  His stock options are all "under water" now.  I know he made the decision to join Microsoft at that time, still I feel a bit guilty about having influenced his decision.  Anyhow, he's a great guy.  Just after my last breakup, he and his wife took me up to Napa Valley for a day trip.  We went to a few tastings, ate some good food, and really had fun.  I've not kept in contact with him either.  Even when he called me, a few short weeks ago, I waited several days before returning his call.  We agreed to get together for lunch, but then I didn't follow through on a day.

I've been very good with birthdays and anniversaries.  Mostly because of Microsoft Outlook.  Whenever I find out someone's birthday, I put it in Outlook, then it reminds me.  This year, Outlook reminded me that it was Kirk's birthday.  I'd fallen out of contact with him too, so I called.  He was surprised, and told me that I was the only one who remembered his birthday.  We chatted for a while, and got caught up.  He told another mutual friend of ours, who called and left a message for me.  Unfortunately, I've not called either one of them back.

My family is the same thing.  Each of my brothers have called, and occasionally I chat with them, but really haven't worked on these relationships.  My mother and brothers were there for me during my breakup.  The lent me a lot of money for the lawyers and were there for emotional support.  My mother even dropped everything to fly out and be with me during the court case.  My ex left me just before my 41st birthday.  I hadn't heard from her or my son in a couple of weeks, and was a complete wreck.  But Mom was there... flew across the country at the last minute to be with me.  Yet, I have done a really poor job being there for mom.  I haven't been calling her, or my brothers as I'd like.

This week, today, right now, I'm going to call each of these people.  I'll call as many as I can to see if I can rekindle and rebuild these relationships.  Nothing too grand, just call them and find out how their lives are.  I'll go from there.  It's not going to be easy for me, but I owe it to myself and to them to do it.  Wish me luck!

WhyCali?