Who needs anonymity; creating my own steps!

I was watching a recent episode of "Penn & Teller's Bullsh-t!", debunking 12-step programs. They made several arguments. One was that twelve step programs are actually religion, or a cult. I read over the twelve steps, and half of them are about God, so there's validity there. Penn & Teller's next argument is that the success rate of 12-Step programs equals that of no program at all. They drew this from a report the AA organization themselves published. Meaning, you have the same chance of getting over your problem with a 12-step program or without. Penn & Teller propose their own version. What they call the 1-step program: Just stop drinking/eating/doing drugs/etc so f-cking much!

Then I watched a recent episode of South Park, where Kyle's dad was picked up for DUI and forced into AA by the courts. The moral of that story was the 12-step program wasn't the answer. The real answer was to learn to exercise your own internal discipline. That we all have the power to do this stuff on our own, contrary to what the 12-step program lists as their first step: Admit that we are powerless over our issue.

Honestly, and sure it's anecdotal, but I know a bunch of folks who've been in one twelve step or another, and the only one's who've beat their issue, have simply replaced it with constantly attending 12-step meetings. Instead of their dealer, the supermarket, the bar, they head for the meetings. Maybe I should create TA: Twelve-steppers Anonymous.

I know, I know. Maybe it's foolish to get my guidance and philosophy of life from comedians. But y'know it all makes very good sense to me. My father smoked too much, for many years. Smoked about 2 packs a day. I can still remember how he handled it. About 25 years ago, I sat chatting with Dad in the living room. When done with his cigarette, he put it out, and calmly mentioned, "well, that was my last cigarette". At the time, I thought he meant that he needed to run to the store and get another pack. But he didn't. He meant that quite literally. He never smoked again, NEVER. Hell, he never even mentioned smoking again. No 12-step program, no hypnotism, no drugs, nothing other than a personal decision and the discipline to do it.

I watched "Ray", the movie about Ray Charles' life. He made the personal decision to quit heroine. He did check into a hospital because of the withdrawal, but he refused morphine or any other drugs. He insisted on getting off heroine, and doing it on his own. In the movie, at one point, they had to restrain him just to get some simple fluids in his dehydrated body.

Look, if these guys could do it, so can I. No, I'm not an alcoholic, nor am I taking any illegal drugs. My problem is codependency. I love my ex-girlfriend, and we keep getting back together.... even though I know it will never work. I'm not justifying it, but we do have a son together, so we can't simply drop out of each other's lives. Instead of focusing on life, i've been focusing on making this relationship work.... five years, three therapists and a court case later, and I'm still kidding myself that it can work. It's a serious issue for me. There's no way I'm joining the CoDA cult. I'm making the personal decision to get through this whole thing. Sure it'll be hard, but not as hard as Ray or My dad's decisions. I need to do this for my own sanity.

I took care of my first step today: Admitted to myself that I have a problem. That I have not been managing my life very well. And I, and I alone am the only one with the power to solve it.

I'm starting by cleaning my apartment. I've let it become a royal mess. Hadn't done laundry in weeks... well, today I did 8 loads, all folded and put away! I'm proud of that. I cleaned each room, vacuumed and even steam cleaned the carpeting. All the dishes are clean, and put away. The place feels like new! I'm even tempted to invite some company over for a visit. I feel like I just washed away all the garbage in my life, and I have to tell you it feels great just sitting here enjoying my home!

After my ex and I split up, we had a custody fight, and we both won. We each have 50% custody. I made the decision to raise my son. That was a lifestyle choice that I made, and I'm proud of it. Unfortunately, I lost my job over it. My company requires that I travel up to 80% of the time. As soon as I got half custody of my son, my boss told me he needed me to work in New York (I'm in California) for six months straight. No way, Jose! So they let me go. I've been looking for work for several months now, but lots of travel seems to be a requirement in my career. I gave up, for a while at least. Hadn't looked for work in a few months. Last night I updated my resume, posted it on Dice and Monster, and applied for about 20 jobs. I just need to keep at it, and I'll be back to work soon enough.

Not sure what my next step is going to be, but I'll work on that tonight and tomorrow. E-mail me if you have any ideas or advice. Wish me luck!

WhyCali?