I am working again, finally. It is full time, and I'm being well compensated, still it's only a three week job. No, I'm not feeling completely comfortable, it's not perfect, and I'm a little rusty. At the same time, I'm working. I'm actually meeting with clients, and doing what I do best... and, getting paid for it.
It feels good.... really good to be back, even if it is for a brief period of time. It's an amazing feeling, for me, to walk into a client meeting and be treated with respect. Treated as a professional, who's smart, capable, and competent. Anyone who's read what I've been posting, knows full well that I lost myself in the process of trying to fix a broken relationship. Well, a huge part of me relishes and needs to bask in the feeling of being a valued and welcome professional. In large part, I've judged my self-worth and self-esteem on my career. That's been there most of my life. In hindsight, it's not really smart for me to place all 
my emotional eggs in any single basket. I know I need to base my self-esteem on me, and me alone. Still, I've always looked to the outside world, co-workers, clients, managers, executives, peers and subordinates to define how I view myself.
My career has been rocky since well before I met my ex. I felt uncomfortable with my professional capabilities back in 1997, maybe it even began in 96. And, since I based my whole sense of self on my career, a depression soon followed. I was looking to get back into my stride, to become who I really wasn't at the time. Sure, I was working for Microsoft, and was getting a lot of respect from everyone around me, and my bank account was growing. Still, I felt like a fraud. I felt like I had extended myself far beyond my own abilities. I thought inside, that I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but still smiled and put on that "competent professional" facad; a mask, so nobody could see.
Maybe I was just being far too hard on myself. It was real to me, but had I judged myself against a realistic bar, rather than some fantasy of who I should be, perhaps I would have believed I was still very capable. Whatever the case, I chose to believe that I was a fraud. I muddled through five years there, working on some really impressive assignments with big name clients. But I was loosing emotional grounding, and I didn't really know where to go, who to speak with, what to do.
Today, I worked, and felt good about it. While I didn't share my low self-esteem with this company, nor did I share my personal struggles, I was honest with them professionally. Sure, I spun things in a very positive light, but I was honest. They know I have a very impressive resume... and it's all true. They know I've taken a senior role on some really hard projects. And I shared with them, that I'm a little rusty, that I've lost my edge on a few of the technologies. They saw the potential, and paired me up with someone a bit stronger than I technically. It's funny, I've been a big shot for a long time, now I'm an apprentice. I refuse, though, to allow that shift in roles to affect my self-esteem. I know I've been strong before, I'm still bright, and can get back to where I need to be. This role, apprentice though it may be, is a stepping stone back to health. I do understand the business, and am a great consultant... I can get up to speed on the technologies very quickly... so I'm on the right course professionally. Damn it, it feels really damned good!
My personal goals are beginning to take shape, and y'know, they're humble and realistic. I'll change them later, but right now here's what I want to do:
- Career -- Get a decent full time, permanent (if there's such a thing anymore) job. A job where I am comfortable in my role, and don't feel like I'm faking it.
- Relationships -- To build and maintain strong relationships with those around me. I can't control how others view me, and some don't view me that kindly. But for those who are open to me, I'm working on rebuilding. For those new people out there, who I'm running across and meeting, I'm excited to build those friendships into something positive, warm and strong. To be honest and open with who I am and how I think. If others don't like who I am, my beliefs or my views that's their prerogative. If they judge who I am negatively, that's their view, not a reflection of my value.
- Parenting -- To be the best dad I can be, to encourage and nurture, provide guidance and support, to provide structure and strength to my wonderful son.
- Self-Esteem -- To be strong and secure in who I am, to develop enough inner strength and introspection to not allow outside feedback (positive or negative) to define how I view myself.
- Physical - To begin some simple exercise routine and eat a bit better.
That's where I am, and I'm feeling good about those goals.
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