This is the fifth part of a several part posting discussing my views of healthy communication in interpersonal relationships. If you've not read the first part, you may want to. You can find it here.
For years, I've heard about a magical tool to improve interpersonal communications. It's called the "I statement", or "I feel statement". The concept is straightforward. Instead of telling a person what THEY did (you statement), tell them how YOU felt about it. Like my earlier story about my loud eating cubemate, instead of saying, "You're eating is driving me up a wall!", I should say "I'm really sensitive to eating noises, and I'm having problems concentrating." In fact, it's pretty similar to the approach I suggested during that article.
While this seems simple, it's really very complicated for most people to actually put into practice. After splitting up with my girlfriend, we both attended a class on healthy relationships. They, of course, presented this concept during the class. To help us out, they even gave us a fill in the blank phrase, that in the end, reminded me of Mad Libs. Here are the two examples they gave:
- "I feel _______ when you _______."
- "I feel _______ when you _______, and would prefer it if you _______."
Seems pretty easy to do right? Well, the teachers asked us to come up with a few, and share them with the class the following week. Here are a few of the more bizzare examples students offered:
- I feel like you're a jerk, when you're mean to me.
- I feel upset when you don't tell me the truth.
- I feel taken for granted when you show up an hour late.
The teachers applauded each of us for a job well done. I was flabbergasted! BUT.... Those AREN'T I statements. They're simply not. Sure, they look a lot like I feel statements, but let's look under the covers!
Make sure you're using a "feeling" word after the phrase I feel. In the first example, "like you're a jerk" is simply not a feeling. It's a thought. Granted, I'm sure it was her thought, and very real to her. Still, it's not sharing her feelings.
Make sure the "when you ____" part is an undeniable fact. The second example, "don't tell me the truth", is an accusation. Who's to say they didn't tell the truth. Remember, we all have differing perspectives on things. In all honesty, the belief that the other person lied is based on your own interpretation and judgment. Let's say it's something vague. When asked if the dress makes her look fat, he says, "no you look beautiful." Sure, maybe he was lying just to avoid her getting upset. On the other hand, maybe he really believed his statement. Regardless, it's debatable... it's a judgment... it's not an indisputable fact, so we can't use it. More appropriate would be, "I felt upset when you told me the dress didn't make me look fat." Or even, "I thought you were lying when you told me I didn't look fat."
Sure, sure, there are some things which are blatant untruths, but even they're a bit fuzzy. Let's say you ask "did you take money out of our bank account?" And they respond, "No." Even thought they really did take money out. Even in this case, a lie is a judgment. Why? Because to lie, one must be aware of the truth and intending to obscure that truth from someone else. It certainly is possible that they took out $60 at the ATM, and forgot they did it. Maybe, they knew they took the money out, but had so much on their mind they said, "No" without really understanding the question you asked. There are a zillion HONEST ways to answer a question incorrectly. So it may not be a lie after all.
The third example is really tricky. Sure, showing up an hour late is indisputable... you agreed to meet at 6pm, they showed up at 7. The trouble with this one is that "taken for granted" is actually an accusation, not a feeling. Yeah, it seems very close to a feeling. Still, it's impossible to be taken for granted, unless someone's taking you for granted. So, that statement really says, "You took me for granted by showing up late." It's a you statement.
A true, genuine, good "I statement", is one that is purely self-focused. Every conflict must have two parts: Your action and my reaction. By definition, if I tell you about your action, I'm being other-focused. And, unfortunately, that's what I and so many people tend to do. If, on the other hand, I speak about my reaction and take ownership of it, then it will undoubtedly come out as an I-statement.
Look at a GOOD, genuine I statement: "I feel scared when you raise your voice." I'm pointing out that they raised their voice, but that's indisputable. I feel scared? Sure, maybe you could phrase it, "You scared me when you raised your voice." But, even phrased as a you statement, it's self-focused. In that statement, I'm sharing information about my reaction to your action. What's my natural response to a statement like that? Most likely, I'd simply apologize. Generally, though, I don't raise my voice unless I'm really, really upset. So, in that state, I may not be able to apologize... but it certainly would take me off guard and motivate me to think about my own actions.
So where am I now? I know that the notorious "You statements" are really a way of communicating my own other-focused thinking. So, I can add that to my equation:
you statements = other thinking = blame = sux
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