There's no Truth, only perspective

This is something I've come to learn and profoundly understand over the past few years.  I was raised believing that there was such a thing as truth.  I have a pen, I know it's a pen, therefore the truth is:  it's a pen.  I'm doing well in school, my report card says I've earned an A or B, my teachers say that I'm excelling, so, the truth is:  I'm smart.  I could go on and on here, there are an endless number of examples.  I've come to learn, though, that that's wrong.  The truth is:  there's no such thing as truth.

What on earth do I mean, there's no truth?  Well, there is perspective.  Everyone sees things slightly differently.  They see an item, witness an event, hear words, see body language, and interpret those for themselves.  People weigh everything against their own history and personal experiences.  We all view everything through our own filters.  When we view something as true, we're actually thinking that what we perceive is what everyone should perceive.  Yes, many times those around us view things similarly, or even the same.  Back to my pen example, virtually everyone will look at my pen and agree that it's a pen.  Though one person may view it as a "weapon", which could be used to harm someone.  Is she wrong?  Is she right?  Is it a weapon or not?  Well, the truth is, we're all right, just voicing our own perspective. 

Using my school example, was I smart or not?  My teachers apparently agreed, then again aren't grades more a reflection of a teacher's opinion of the student than their IQ?  Most of us remember Pygmalion in the Classroom, the study by Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson.  In that classic psychological study, researchers randomly divided students.  Half were labeled as high achievers, and the other half labeled as poor performers.  The researchers told new teachers which were poor performers and which would do well.  At the end of the trial period, quite independent of past performance, students did as well as the teachers expected.  So students who were previously poor performers, but that the teachers believed would do well, actually got higher grades than the ones teachers thought would do poorly.  What was the truth here, were they smart or not?  Was I smart or not?

Sure, there are some who say one thing, but believe another to be true.  That's called "lying".  For whatever reason, they've decided to publicly state one thing, while believing another.  But, are those who erroneously believe something to be true, and state their truth, lying?  It may not make sense to you or me, because their perspective differs from our own, yet are they telling the truth (as they see it) or lying?  It's hard to tell the difference.  Sure there are poker tells.  I heard of a psychological study, demonstrating small facial ticks the moment someone lies.  There are plenty of studies explaining how to tell if someone is lying by looking at their body language.  Still, these will only work if the person is actually stating something that differs from their own truth.

There's yet another category, denial.  There are those who, deep down, believe one thing, but who don't want it to be true.  They can actually kid themselves into creating a truth for themselves that varies from their own beliefs.  I'm guilty of this in trying to make my relationship with my ex work.  Yet another category is misperception.  A schizophrenic may see little blue gnomes climbing the walls.  To them, that's true.  They'd pass a polygraph telling the examiner, with a straight face, about the gnomes.  Okay, so that's a bit extreme, still it's a valid example.  Look at a picture, is the subject beautiful or not?  Is it ugly or not?  It all depends on your perspective. 

I remember an old girlfriend of mine saying, "I hate closed minded people!".  Doesn't that mean she's closed minded toward those she views as closed minded?  I once asked her how she felt about the "KKK", "Nazis", "Extreme Conservatives"?  She told me the answer was obvious.  Sure, it was... she didn't like them.  If a KKK member approached her to discuss the virtues (as they view them) of white supremacy, how long would she listen?  Would she have an open mind toward them?  Again, the answer was obvious.  The same goes for me, I admit to being closed minded on topics I've already made my mind up about.  I am, in fact, prejudiced against those I deem prejudiced people.  But I'll always remember Voltair's famous words, "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."

Sometimes I'm even guilty of making my mind up by virtue of my peers decisions.  I remember years ago going to the Hopkins Fair, an annual fair held on the campus of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, MD.  Not only are their rides, food, music and crafts for sale, but there are tables of people peddling their political beliefs.  I remember walking by the "pro-choice" table.  I gave them a thumbs up, and signed a petition of theirs.  Later, after getting a sandwich for lunch, I strolled by the "pro-life" table, and shot an ugly look their way.  I sat down to eat my lunch, in full view of the "pro-life" table.  As I ate, I realized, I don't really like the idea of killing fetuses.  I do think children are wonderful.  I also know that, with the exception of rape, women get pregnant because they willingly had sex.  So, why would I be "pro-choice"?  Have I simply accepted the "pro-choice" position of my peers, without exploring it for myself?  Guilty as charged.

I decided to challenge my own truth, open my own mind, and genuinely see if I can determine my own position, unbiased by my peers.  As I munched on my sandwich, I thought, what makes me "pro-choice"?  Afterall, I'm not a fan of murder... I'm anti-death penalty.  But I do support the "pro-choice" movement.  Are those opposing beliefs; am I being hypocritical?  Okay, I thought, I'm open to exploring both sides of this issue.  But first, let me define my personal criteria.  If an abortion is murder, perhaps I'd not favor it.  What is the alternative to abortion, in unwanted pregnancies?  Believing that virtually everyone knows, at the moment of conception, if they wanted a child or not, what do each side offer to help people avoid getting pregnant, thus the need for abortion? 

After tossing out the remains of my lunch, I walked over to the pro-life table.  With an open mind, I struck up a conversation with a woman there, proudly displaying a pickled fetus.  "Tell me about pro-life?"  She told me that they believe abortion is murder.  I asked her why she believed that abortion was murder?  She said, simply, that it's ending the life of a fetus, and that's murder.  I asked her if a fetus was a living being, or a developing being.  Meaning, was it truly a person, or not a person yet.  I asked her her position on the death penalty?  She said the pro-life movement doesn't have a position on the death penalty.  Okay, what is your personal position on the death penalty.  Avoiding the topic, she told me that an unborn baby is an innocent life; the life of someone who's not done anything wrong.  While a person on death row, has committed a horrible crime.  Believing that there are many people wrongly convicted of serious crimes, I didn't pursue this any further.

Then I told her that I believe virtually everyone who gets pregnant, knew at the moment of conception if they wanted a child or not.  What does pro-life feel we should do to help avoid unwanted pregnancies as much as possible?  She said they believe in abstinence.  That is the only way, she said, to guarantee someone doesn't get pregnant.  I asked about rape, and she avoided the topic.  I asked their position on sex education and birth control.  She was fiercely against both.  At this point, I really was confused.  If they are against abortion, why wouldn't they want to avoid the decision altogether?  If only those who have the means and desire to have children were getting pregnant, then we wouldn't even be having this debate, would we?  Sure, that's a fantasy, still we could come much closer than we are today.  I think abstinence is a fantasy too.  Then again, that's my truth, not hers.

I wandered over to the pro-choice table, and told the woman there of my quest... to understand my truth.  We discussed the beginning of life.  She believed that a fetus is alive, but not a thinking, feeling being until later in the pregnancy.  They had lots of ideas about education and contraception.  She understood, and empathized with my concerns over reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies.  All in all, I understood where she was coming from.  In the end, I decided that I am pro-choice.  And I feel comfortable in my decision, believing that I've opened my mind and truly evaluated for myself, where I stand.

Why am I discussing all this?  Well, my ex and I had differing truths.  In many cases, diametrically opposed truths.  We disagreed on so many things.  At times I thought she was lying.  Other times, I thought her misperceiving or denying things.  Still other times I believed she hadn't thought through her own position, or challenged her own beliefs.  The most frustrating to me, was when she got mad at me for doing something that I, in my perspective, didn't do, think, say or feel.  This is something that I'm continuing to explore and understand.  I've come to believe that, regardless of our truths, I have to acknowledge that neither of us is wrong.  We just see the world in very different ways.  I don't agree with her beliefs, and that's cool.  Still I do need to acknowledge that they're truths to her.

WhyCali?

Friendships...

In my list yesterday, I mentioned that I want to have strong, healthy relationships with friends and family.  Today, I don't.  I accept responsibility for this.  My crime has been lack of effort, even avoidance.  It's not that I don't like or want my friends.  It's that I've been so down the past few years that I've feared that I'd have to fess up to them that things aren't going very well.  I'd always been such an optimistic person, full of life, full of thoughts.  To me, I couldn't bear to be a downer to the people I cared about the most.  Part of me didn't want to be judged.  Part of me didn't want to be one of those whiners, always bringing people around them down.  That's not me, yet that's what I'd allowed myself to become.  I couldn't deal with telling my friends.  So, I coped by not calling them, and becoming incommunicado.  Hell, in a sense I'd become a recluse.

My best friend, Dave, lives in Southern California, about an hour's flight away.  I'd been in the area several times over the years, and hadn't stopped bye to see him.  I hadn't been calling him much.  At times he called me, left messages... even sent e-mails.  I was feeling so bad about myself, that I couldn't bear to speak with anyone.  What would I say, "life sucks?"  I wanted to wait until things got better, until I was full of life again before speaking with them.  Things never got better; I never called.  Finally, I really needed someone to talk to about life.  I called Dave, and he wasn't there for me... mostly because he felt hurt that I'd been avoiding him.  He was pretty straight with me, that he'd felt shunned and ignored... that he really was too mad at me to chat.  This happened about three years ago, I've remembered his birthday and anniversary, even his wife's birthday every year.  He's remembered mine, and we've sent each other birthday wishes.  Yet that's all our friendship has become.  That really saddens me.

I have three intact relationships.  One is Carmen, a female friend from back east.  There's Chrissy, the one I spoke of last week.  And the third is an old college roommate of mine, Ray.  I'm actually back in contact with Ray, after 20 years of losing touch.  About five years ago, I'd broken up with my girlfriend at the time.  Both of us were doing very well financially, and were renting a huge four bedroom house, overlooking the mountains, with a Jacuzzi in the back yard and three gardens on the property.  When we broke up, I simply couldn't afford the rent.  When looking for homes to rent, I noticed a man walking his dog with two little girls.  It was Ray, my old college roommate.  I stopped the car and said, "Hi Ray".  He said "Hi", but clearly didn't know who the heck I was.  I reminded him, and he was pleasantly surprised.  I parked the car, walked with him and chatted.  Later I went to his home and met his wife.  We exchanged numbers and e-mails, but never really followed up.  Several months ago, after this breakup, I again needed to find another apartment.  I selected one, and on move in day, who should walk around the corner, but Ray with his two girls.  It turns out, that he lives in the same building as I, only three doors down.  He has divorced the wife I met, and is now living with his fiance.  We've been getting to know each other again, and I'm trying not to be so aloof.

A few weeks ago, just before the holidays, an old friend of mine, Mike called. I'd fallen out of contact with him too.  We worked together in Maryland, years ago, before I joined Microsoft.  We used to run into each other at Microsoft conferences, and would always have a few meals and perhaps drinks together to chat.  I was quickly becoming a millionaire with my Microsoft stock.  While he was making a respectable salary, had no stock, and wasn't financially as sound as I was becoming.  After a couple of years, he showed interest in joining me at Microsoft, I made a few phone calls and helped him get hired.  He actually moved to California, in the same group within Microsoft as I.  It was quite an adjustment for him too.  The bad part was that Microsoft Stock had really peaked, and was headed downward.  My many hundreds of thousands turned into very little.  I sold a bit, but really lost it all.  His stock options are all "under water" now.  I know he made the decision to join Microsoft at that time, still I feel a bit guilty about having influenced his decision.  Anyhow, he's a great guy.  Just after my last breakup, he and his wife took me up to Napa Valley for a day trip.  We went to a few tastings, ate some good food, and really had fun.  I've not kept in contact with him either.  Even when he called me, a few short weeks ago, I waited several days before returning his call.  We agreed to get together for lunch, but then I didn't follow through on a day.

I've been very good with birthdays and anniversaries.  Mostly because of Microsoft Outlook.  Whenever I find out someone's birthday, I put it in Outlook, then it reminds me.  This year, Outlook reminded me that it was Kirk's birthday.  I'd fallen out of contact with him too, so I called.  He was surprised, and told me that I was the only one who remembered his birthday.  We chatted for a while, and got caught up.  He told another mutual friend of ours, who called and left a message for me.  Unfortunately, I've not called either one of them back.

My family is the same thing.  Each of my brothers have called, and occasionally I chat with them, but really haven't worked on these relationships.  My mother and brothers were there for me during my breakup.  The lent me a lot of money for the lawyers and were there for emotional support.  My mother even dropped everything to fly out and be with me during the court case.  My ex left me just before my 41st birthday.  I hadn't heard from her or my son in a couple of weeks, and was a complete wreck.  But Mom was there... flew across the country at the last minute to be with me.  Yet, I have done a really poor job being there for mom.  I haven't been calling her, or my brothers as I'd like.

This week, today, right now, I'm going to call each of these people.  I'll call as many as I can to see if I can rekindle and rebuild these relationships.  Nothing too grand, just call them and find out how their lives are.  I'll go from there.  It's not going to be easy for me, but I owe it to myself and to them to do it.  Wish me luck!

WhyCali?

Finding career focus...

Not my finest day...  That's okay, I'll discuss it, but I refuse to beat myself up over it.  I couldn't sleep... simply couldn't sleep.  Just laid there for hours full of guilty feelings, worries and fear.  All tolled, I got about 4 or 5 hours of heavily interrupted sleep.  Even when I slept, the thoughts found their way into my dreams.  Finally, my son woke me up around 10:am because he needed a little assistance with the papier de toilette.  I was in a fog all day; couldn't focus or really pay attention to him or anything else very well.

I think the worst part of all was that I'd promised a trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and simply couldn't deliver.  I remember, as a kid, how important little things like that were to me.  He's no different, and was very disappointed we couldn't go.  It would have been very easy to lie to him.  Tell him something like, "They're having a thunder storm and needed to close the aquarium".  Sure, it'd work and toss the responsibility off of me.  Still, I refuse to lie to him like that.  Daddy's aren't perfect.  I offered him a compromise.  We'd stay at home today, go to the movies this evening, then hit the aquarium this weekend.  He bit, so we're good.  Still, I'll have to heave that on top of the huge guilt pile.

I'm still trying to focus on my vision; my direction.  Maybe I should just start describing what I want my life to be like.  In no particular order, I want to:

• have fun and enjoy life
• be a great dad and role model for my son
• have strong, healthy relationships with family and friends
• be physically and emotionally healthy
• be financially secure and stable (able to pay my bills, enjoy life & have a nest egg)
• have a satisfying career
• be self-confident again

There's more, I know.  I just can't think of any more right now... not to worry, I have all the time there is.

Boy, that list seems so simple. So why does it all feel so overwhelming to me?  I guess it's like a train.  While it's on the tracks, it moves along at a brisk pace.  But, if it's derailed, it'll take a massive effort to clean up the mess and get the thing rolling again.  I'm derailed, but have no crew of engineers to make things right.

I'm working on the emotional health issue, so I'll stick with that.  Great dad and role model, that's an evolutionary thing, and I think I'm doing pretty well there right now, except for my own personal strength.  Satisfying career, ahhh, there's something I need to sink my teeth into.    How about I give you a little background.  I got my first job when I was 13 in New York.  I loved working, and continued working after school and during my holidays into my late 30s.  I've been a high tech guy for years.  You name it, I've done it.  I've been a programmer, a teacher, a salesman, a consultant, an engineer and a network architect.  I even worked for Microsoft for five years.  Just kept moving up, and my career was in full swing.  I'm not really sure what happened, but somewhere along the line, I lost it.  Became depressed and unsatisfied with the work I was doing.

Remember the Peter Principle, "... every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence."  I suspect that's what happened to me, at least initially.  I was a rising star.  I actually had employers cry when I left to go with another company.  I worked my little tush off, and made things happen.  I remember taking a job as a field engineer.  I worked for a government contractor, and we were traveling the country, building a global network for a government agency.  During my very first week, my boss told me that they needed to install a network card and four programs on about 20,000 PCs around the country.  The'd be hiring some low level temporary staff to do the actual work.  Those people would be following step by step instructions to do the installations.  My job was to review the installation instructions and make sure even a complete moron could follow them successfully.    Then, he handed me about 50 pages of poorly written instructions.  I was a professional, and I couldn't follow them.  This, I thought, was going to be a disaster on a grand scale.  To make matters worse, the government was paying us a flat fee per pc, so if there were problems or delays we'd have to eat that cost.

I started rewriting the instructions, and it wasn't very fun.  Suddenly, I realized, why write them in english, when I could write them in code?  Could I automate these instructions in some way that it'd all be done automagially?  I told my boss about my idea, and he told me to see if it could be done.  I spent the entire weekend working, and successfully automated the whole thing... well, they'd still have to open the PC and install the network card.  But my little program would do everything else, flawlessly every time.  Monday morning, I called my boss into the lab and told him that the PC on the table was an exact replica of the 20,000 PCs the government had.  I unscrewed the cover, slipped in the network card, screwed the case shut, inserted a disk into the drive, turned it on and voila!  The program worked perfectly.  Instead of the 45 min to 1 hour per pc everyone had estimated, this took less than 5 minutes.  In fact, done assembly line style, two people could knock out hundreds of PCs in an afternoon.

My boss was floored, and immediately called the Vice President down to see it.  I demonstrated it, and they were amazed.  Honestly, I thought they were impressed with my little program.  But, as it turns out, they were seeing dollar signs.  Remember, the government agreed to a flat price per PC.  So if we could do it quicker, we'd have a higher profit.  This was beyond their wildest dreams, and translated into millions in profit.  I was motivated by lazyness... it's easier to write a program than to write a manual.  That simple little thing propelled me into super-stardom in my first week.  I got four promotions in the four years I was there, and ended up with twice my initial salary and heading up three departments.  It seemed, the more they heaped on my shoulders, the more got done.  Not only that, but the staff had a lot more fun doing it.  Oh, the glory days.

After that job, I joined Microsoft.  I thought it would be a great career move.  While there, I focused less on the bits and bytes, and more on IT strategy and planning.  Rather than designing networks, installing servers or fixing problems, why not help companies figure out how to use technology to do business better.  I worked with some major corporations doing IT strategy work.  Pretty simple concept, actually, we figure out what the company does, what it needs to accomplish to be successful, then work backward from there.  We broke down their business into high-level categories, then worked out what tasks they needed to do efficiently in each category.  Now, how is their current technology helping them accomplish those things?  Where could we use technology better?  It was interesting work.  But, to be honest, I never really liked it that much... too much political wrangling and not enough actual doing good stuff.  I spent five years doing it, and couldn't bear to drag myself into the office in the morning. I took a transfer to warmer climates; California.  It was all downhill from there.

I'd like to get back to a place where I actually enjoy my work.  Spring out of bed in the morning like I used to.  Maybe it was naive youth, who knows.  But somewhere along the like I feel like I traded my soul for more money.  I liked the money, but couldn't do without my soul.  I left Microsoft and struck out on my own.  I made a lot of money, but it was even more political garbage and less doing the exciting stuff... and watching the fruits of my labor pay off.  I remember one consulting job I held, very lucrative, but the staff and management were more focused on which specific technology to use, rather than what they needed it to do.  They had several hundred employees, all using Microsoft Windows and Microsoft Office.  They were trained and productive.  They had some serious organizational issues, which we were working out, but the desktop operating system and applications really weren't their problem. 

Rather than focus on fixing their issues, they decided it was time to discuss the possibility of Linux on the desktop.  Okay, I admit, most of my background has been in the Microsoft world, but I don't work for them anymore.  I don't have any Microsoft stock any longer.  I have used Linux, and think that it's pretty cool.  In fact, I'm hosting this blog on a Linux machine.  Still, changing a company from Microsoft to Linux is a major undertaking.  There is a major investment in deploying the technology, converting any applications and files necessary, training support, IT and staff.  It's not a little thing, it's a big deal.  Besides, it really wasn't their issue... Honestly, making a change like that would exacerbate their problems.  Because of this debate, they paid me for four months of ... well, mindless meetings debating the pros and cons of Windows versus Linux.  Ultimately, I suggested that the management change their laptops to Linux, and work with it for a few months.  Instead of discussing it at a high level, let's run an alpha test on them.  They hemmed and hawed, and finally agreed to try it.  Within a week, they changed their tune, and decided to postpone the decision until they felt Linux was ready for them.  Bear in mind, none of these folks were very technical.  That frustrated me, I felt like I wasted months of my life on something that ultimately detracted from their real issues.  Oh well.

Maybe that's what I've been doing in my life as well.  I'm focusing on the wrong stuff.  I need to figure out what I enjoy doing, professionally, instead of sticking with my history.  Sure, I could go back into engineering and architecture, but I'm not as sharp technically as I was.  If I wanted to do this, I'll need to study quite a bit and get back into technical shape.  I could shoot for IT management, that is something to look into.  There's training, that's always fun and pretty low stress, though not as lucrative.  Maybe I could become a headhunter... not sure about that one, seems a little slimey for me.  Or maybe I should think completely off the page... what about becoming a masseuse, or going back to school for psychology?  Hmmmm, if I want, the world can be my Oyster again.

WhyCali

Adding structure - a new framework

This week I have custody of my son. Since I'm out of work (for the time being), I took him out of daycare and am spending my days with him just enjoying being a dad. Honestly, I had been so concerned about fixing my relationship and what I'd become, that I'd forgotten how much he really needs me. I realized that even when I had him with me I wasn't taking advantage of the time. Those parents who just plunk their kids in front of the TV always bothered me. Yet I realize that I'd become one of them.

I promised myself that this week I'd do the whole daddy thing and relish the time. Today, I had a great start. I decided on a fairly structured schedule... he's only three and it seems to work well for him. Not boot camp mind you, just a regular pattern: breakfast, play, lessons, exercise, lunch, nap, outdoor time, educational computer games (while I cook dinner), dinner/chatting, art project, bath, teeth, story time, tuck in. It was very nice, lots of bonding time with him and he was a very happy kid today. With all the exercise, he passed out at bed time, so that was a breeze!

I did have some personal time when he took his nap, and after I put him to bed at 8:30. Putting myself first... wow, it's really hard for me, especially when it comes to my son. But I really need to. When I fly, the hostess always reminds us that if we lose cabin pressure, put the oxygen masks on ourselves before any young child we're with. This is counter-intuitive to me. But rationally it makes sense. If I can't breathe, how could I possibly take care of him? That really applies across the board in life. Still, I feel guilty... selfish even, if I take time for me.

I still haven't worked out a passion or direction for myself. Well, there's my son, but that's part of our journey, not a destination.

I'm not very religious, but was raised, and consider myself Jewish. Many years ago I went to a retreat for non-practicing Jews, hosted by an Orthodox Jewish group. Fundamentalists always eek me out a bit, still I'm open to listening to what they have to say. I do respect their passion.

One of the interesting things we discussed was all the Jewish laws. Most people know that Jews aren't supposed to eat pork, but that's just one of many commandments that Jews are supposed to follow. Did you know, we're not supposed to eat shrimp or cheeseburgers either? For you Christians out there, you lucked out with only 10 commandments, we have 613 of them! (here are the 613, if you're interested).

Anyway, back to the point of all that. We asked the rabbi at the retreat why some of the laws existed, and why they followed all of them so closely. He explained that it doesn't matter why any particular law exists. The practice of following them helps us remain strong, good, productive people... I got the message. Structure in my life = personal discipline = better life.

For example, our Sabbath is sundown Friday until sundown Saturday. I'm not supposed to do any work then. I'm not sure why, but kindling or extinguishing a fire is considered work. Observant Jews include electricity in the definition of "fire". Yep, that's right, if I were an observant Jew, I'm not supposed to light a match, cook, turn on a light, adjust the air conditioner, watch TV, use my computer, drive my car (starting the ignition creates a spark in the engine), or even open the refrigerator door (unless I remembered to unscrew the light bulb inside).

This always seemed sooooo very extreme and unwarranted. But the Rabbi explained that it's a way of cleansing your mind. He said during Shabbat (the Sabbath) he gets to spend time with his family. They talk, they read, they take walks together, enjoy each other's company and the world around them. Sounded really good to me! He recommended that I try it, even once. I have to tell you, I did and it was an amazing experience for me. Unfortunately for me, I didn't keep it up.

I haven't been an observant Jew, and I'm not really considering becoming religious anytime soon. I do, however, believe that adding structure to my life will help me get back on track and focus on what's really important. So, not only have I created a structure for my son, but I'm creating one for myself too. I might even try to keep Shabbat.... We'll see.

WhyCali

Who needs anonymity; creating my own steps!

I was watching a recent episode of "Penn & Teller's Bullsh-t!", debunking 12-step programs. They made several arguments. One was that twelve step programs are actually religion, or a cult. I read over the twelve steps, and half of them are about God, so there's validity there. Penn & Teller's next argument is that the success rate of 12-Step programs equals that of no program at all. They drew this from a report the AA organization themselves published. Meaning, you have the same chance of getting over your problem with a 12-step program or without. Penn & Teller propose their own version. What they call the 1-step program: Just stop drinking/eating/doing drugs/etc so f-cking much!

Then I watched a recent episode of South Park, where Kyle's dad was picked up for DUI and forced into AA by the courts. The moral of that story was the 12-step program wasn't the answer. The real answer was to learn to exercise your own internal discipline. That we all have the power to do this stuff on our own, contrary to what the 12-step program lists as their first step: Admit that we are powerless over our issue.

Honestly, and sure it's anecdotal, but I know a bunch of folks who've been in one twelve step or another, and the only one's who've beat their issue, have simply replaced it with constantly attending 12-step meetings. Instead of their dealer, the supermarket, the bar, they head for the meetings. Maybe I should create TA: Twelve-steppers Anonymous.

I know, I know. Maybe it's foolish to get my guidance and philosophy of life from comedians. But y'know it all makes very good sense to me. My father smoked too much, for many years. Smoked about 2 packs a day. I can still remember how he handled it. About 25 years ago, I sat chatting with Dad in the living room. When done with his cigarette, he put it out, and calmly mentioned, "well, that was my last cigarette". At the time, I thought he meant that he needed to run to the store and get another pack. But he didn't. He meant that quite literally. He never smoked again, NEVER. Hell, he never even mentioned smoking again. No 12-step program, no hypnotism, no drugs, nothing other than a personal decision and the discipline to do it.

I watched "Ray", the movie about Ray Charles' life. He made the personal decision to quit heroine. He did check into a hospital because of the withdrawal, but he refused morphine or any other drugs. He insisted on getting off heroine, and doing it on his own. In the movie, at one point, they had to restrain him just to get some simple fluids in his dehydrated body.

Look, if these guys could do it, so can I. No, I'm not an alcoholic, nor am I taking any illegal drugs. My problem is codependency. I love my ex-girlfriend, and we keep getting back together.... even though I know it will never work. I'm not justifying it, but we do have a son together, so we can't simply drop out of each other's lives. Instead of focusing on life, i've been focusing on making this relationship work.... five years, three therapists and a court case later, and I'm still kidding myself that it can work. It's a serious issue for me. There's no way I'm joining the CoDA cult. I'm making the personal decision to get through this whole thing. Sure it'll be hard, but not as hard as Ray or My dad's decisions. I need to do this for my own sanity.

I took care of my first step today: Admitted to myself that I have a problem. That I have not been managing my life very well. And I, and I alone am the only one with the power to solve it.

I'm starting by cleaning my apartment. I've let it become a royal mess. Hadn't done laundry in weeks... well, today I did 8 loads, all folded and put away! I'm proud of that. I cleaned each room, vacuumed and even steam cleaned the carpeting. All the dishes are clean, and put away. The place feels like new! I'm even tempted to invite some company over for a visit. I feel like I just washed away all the garbage in my life, and I have to tell you it feels great just sitting here enjoying my home!

After my ex and I split up, we had a custody fight, and we both won. We each have 50% custody. I made the decision to raise my son. That was a lifestyle choice that I made, and I'm proud of it. Unfortunately, I lost my job over it. My company requires that I travel up to 80% of the time. As soon as I got half custody of my son, my boss told me he needed me to work in New York (I'm in California) for six months straight. No way, Jose! So they let me go. I've been looking for work for several months now, but lots of travel seems to be a requirement in my career. I gave up, for a while at least. Hadn't looked for work in a few months. Last night I updated my resume, posted it on Dice and Monster, and applied for about 20 jobs. I just need to keep at it, and I'll be back to work soon enough.

Not sure what my next step is going to be, but I'll work on that tonight and tomorrow. E-mail me if you have any ideas or advice. Wish me luck!

WhyCali?

Where am I headed?

Life is strange. I've had a really rough time over the past five years or so. Today I'm making a commitment to myself that I'm going to get back into the world. Why do I say, "get back in"? Well, I stepped out of life, and lost my focus. I'm trying to regain myself, my focus, and get on with shaping my own life.

I was speaking with a great friend of mine this afternoon. She was asking for my guidance, my advice on why she can't ever find a man to marry. It's a conversation that we've had a million times. She's in her mid 30's now, and she's been asking me this same question for more than 10 years. Look, she has everything going for her. She's very sexy; when I walk down the street with her I feel the heads turning and the stares. She's drop-dead, trust me. She's bright, with an MBA from Berkeley. She's a great cook. She's successful earning close to $200k per year. Her dream is to become a housewife. To raise a family and emotionally support her family. So, why on earth can't she hook up? What's the deal?

Let me use an analogy here to describe my perspective. When I look at companies... corporations, I see two general types. First is the type focused on a goal or vision. The second is focused on making money. I believe the most successful companies are those focused on a goal or vision (other than being profitable).

I think Microsoft is an awesome example of this. In the 1980's Bill Gates had a vision, "A computer on every desk and in every home." Simple concept, but back then most of us thought it completely nuts. Computers were huge monstrosities, costing tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. They cost huge sums of money to maintain, required special computer rooms with cooling systems and air filters. Not to mention the staff it took to just keep them running. Still, that was Bill's vision. The whole company was focused, not on making money, but on achieving that vision. Once on that path, they figured out how to make it profitable. And it was REALLY profitable. But then something interesting happened. They did it. Microsoft accomplished Bill's vision. No not literally in "every home and on every desk", but computers are about as prevalent today as they ever will be. Hell, today we even have computers in most pockets, cars, boats, elevators, soda machines, etc. And Microsoft had a huge hand in that.

But now what? Well, finally a few short years ago, Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer and the rest of the Execs at MSFT realized that, having no future vision, the company had begun to simply focus on making money.... the effectiveness of the company was going downhill, they weren't making the kinds of profits they were before, their ideas were all over the map, grasping at stars to figure out where to go. Bill and Steve tried to define a new vision. That vision is something: "Empower people through great software anytime, anywhere, and on any device" Huh? What does that mean? Does that mean I can get my news on a soda machine? Trade stocks with my motorcycle? Find out how to make souvlaki with my fridge? I'm not sure, and it doesn't seem to have the same umph as the original vision. I believe the company is now, in all honesty, focused on making money... and their success (or lack there of these days) has an enormous amount to do with that.

Okay, okay, so what does all this have to do with my single friend, or my personal reinvention? Everything! I think my friend is focused on getting married.... the same, in my mind, as the focus on making money. She's doomed to fail, or at least just plod along. Instead she needs to create a vision for herself, for her life. Then focus on that. It's got to be something she can do on her own, or at least without relying on anyone but herself. She needs to stop driving toward a relationship, figure out her passion, and invest all that time and effort in that passion. I think an interesting thing will happen. If she does that, and really focuses on that passion of hers, the whole relationship thing will fall in line, as will lots of other things in her life.

Now back to me. I believe this, because my whole life I had a passion. Sure that passion changed from time to time, evolved, grew, changed, mutated. But I always had a spark, a passion, a drive toward something. And I had been very successful in my personal and professional lives. I've had many long term relationships, that admittedly did end. But they ended for good reasons, they ended amicably, and we both moved on. In fact, from time to time, I hear from some of those old girl friends of mine. One just got married, another had her third kid. We didn't get married, still I think they were successful. My career just moved forward, I didn't drive it forward, I just kept getting promotions. New opportunities just fell at my feet, and I took them. That was because I wasn't focused on getting promotions, I wasn't focused on finding a date. I was focused on my own passion. And all the other stuff just fell into place.

I just watched "Sideways".... okay, it's old, but I hadn't seen it. One character had two passions, his writing and wine. The other's only passion was women and sex. At the start of the movie, it seemed that the passionless guy was on top of the world, and the one with the passions was lost. Sure he had his problems, but in the end of the movie, it's clear that his life fell in place.... because he was focused on something more interesting.

With me, now, I'm lost... wandering around aimless. I lost my spark.... I can't tell you my passion. Well, I can, but it's pathetic. My passion for the past five years has been trying to make my relationship work. I can't. It wasn't meant to be. We're split up, sort of. We have a wonderful son together, and have been dating. But, y'know what, I realized that I'm just a guilty of this stupid thinking as my single friend, and today's Microsoft.

So, I set a simple goal for myself... we'll it's hard, but achievable. I'm going to figure out my new passion, my personal vision for myself, and focus all that time, effort and energy on my goals, not a failed relationship. Today I begin.

WhyCali