I spoke, about a month ago, about creating my own steps... Perhaps more importantly, I began this blog to focus on myself; my role in how I got here and how to get myself out. Looking over the past few postings, I realize I've gone off on a tangent somewhat. I believe what I wrote, I think those thoughts... yet they're a bit of a diversion for me. So, let me get back to the task at hand, fixing me!
I looked over my bookshelf the other night, and realized something important about myself. Aside from the fact that I have very little fiction, which must say something about me, I have an overabundance of self-help books. Not only are there far too many there for comfort, but sadly I haven't even cracked the cover on about half of them. Another 25% or so, I've read part of the way and a few I've actually read cover to cover. But so what, I can't be the only one who's had all the great intentions in the world, bought books to teach me how to live a better, more fulfilling life. I'd even bet there are one or two other people out there, who decided it would be a much better use of the investment to help them collect all that dust floating by their bookshelves. I mean, come on.... It's much easier than say reading the darned things. And, God forbid, actually doing some of the things those books suggest.
The funny thing is, when I read those books I see it all very clearly. Mostly I see how many problems those around me have. "Yup, that's exactly what she has wrong with her." "Boy, I should tell him about this, it could really help him." Occasionally, I even notice a few minor things, here and there, that might... through some stretch of the imagination, apply to me, "Gee, I might want to try that someday... not today, mind you, but someday would be nice." Nahhhh, this one would do much better collecting dust on a shelf.
To be honest, I've gone far beyond those books. Not only have I invested in hundreds, perhaps thousands of dollars worth of very effective dust collectors for my bookshelf, but I've bought Yoga DVDs, Meditation CDs & videos. I plunked down a few hundred for a Treadmill, a weight bench, dumbbells and free weights. These too, I've discovered are equally impressive in their ability to collect dust in my closet, by my TV, under my bed and in storage.
The sad truth is that very little of what I've invested in improving myself, and very little of the time I've spent watching PBS psych shows and the amazing Dr. Phil has done one bit of good for me. It seemed, the more I learned, the less I actually did for myself. It all boils down to that self-discipline thing! I would have been much better off had I just listened to the free advertising offered by Nike, "Just Do It."
I'm
pretty proud of myself, lately, because I've been Just Doing It. I'm far from perfect, and by most standards have done a really poor job of just doing it. But for me, I'm proud of what I've done. I've made some simple, yet very important (and often quite difficult) changes for the better. I'm creating my own steps, and beginning to follow them.
Years ago, I watched an impressive and profound theatrical masterpiece. One that has lasting impressions in my life, and one who's basic premise; who's fundamental moral I have been trying to practice. I'm speaking, of course, about "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray. What, you saw that too? You laughed a bit, but don't quite remember the profound message? Well, run down to blockbuster and rent it today!
Here's the story, just in case you are in the mood for a movie spoiler.
Bill Murray, a reporter must cover an inane story about groundhog day. He's not thrilled about the assignment, and really wishes he could avoid it... but he begrudgingly does the story. Some bit of unexplained weirdness happens, and when Bill Murray wakes up the next morning, he's back at the start of groundhog day all over again. In fact, through the vast majority of the movie, he keeps reliving that same dreaded day.
At first, Bill's character gets frustrated with this, then he tries to end the nightmare by committing suicide. This, of course, doesn't work... he just wakes up on Groundhog day all over again. Then he accepts what's going on and starts trying to take advantage of this situation. He has a meal, in which he eats nothing but desserts, absorbing many thousands of calories... why not, he won't gain weight, he'll just pop back to the start of the day. He memorizes all the events that happen, and knows the names of people he's never met... knows when a waitress will drop
the dishes. He can predict just about everything, because he's seen it all many times.
He realizes he's attracted to a woman there, played by Andie McDowell. She is the kind of woman who wouldn't give him the time of day. He takes her out to dinner, and makes a pass at her, "Rejection!" Not a biggie for him, since he has an infinite number of retries! The next (same) day he takes a slightly different approach, again he's rejected. Each time he spends time with her, he learns a little more about her, about her likes and dislikes. He begins to make progress toward getting her in the sack.
He learns that what she values the most, knowledge, talent, skills, depth, he has very little of. He decides, for example, to learn how to play the piano. He answers an ad, and goes to a woman's house for private piano lessons. Each day, of course, he learns more about playing, but the instructor doesn't remember ever having taught him before. Little by little, he learns and masters the piano. He reads, he cultivates his understanding of things, people, ideas. This all culminates in him finally reaching through to her, she's impressed with his depth of character, musical talents, literary knowledge, and gets her in the sack... well, by this time, he actually falls in love with her. The most important thing that he gained, though, was not how to sack Andie, but the new and improved him. He wakes up in the morning and he's escaped, it's NOT Groundhog day. The end!
What was the lesson that I learned from all this goofiness? Well, I'm a very impatient, even lazy man. I always have been. But one of my biggest problems is that I don't like doing things I'm not good at. With that bit of my personality, I put myself in a catch 22. Ultimately, anything really worth doing takes a lot of study, practice and patience to develop. "No pain, no gain." Anybody can be good at watching TV, and I'm an undisputed expert! But it takes an awful lot of practice to be an awesome pianist. When I sit down at the keyboard, I scare even the cats away. I never learned piano, because I wasn't good at it. I wasn't good at it, because I never took the time to learn.
Another takeaway I got from the movie is, it really doesn't matter how bad I am to start, or how long it takes. I have all the time there is. If I had the luxury afforded by being stuck in Groundhog day... no reprecussions, and a fresh start every day, there are a million things I'd do. Maybe I'd learn the piano, maybe I'd take the time to listen and learn about the complexities of the people and the world around me.
I'm not stuck on Groundhog day, though. There are reprecussions for everything I do. Every morning I wake up, and I'm older... If I eat a million calories, I gain weight. Or am I in my own personal Groundhog day? Afterall, when I wake up, I'm still broke, still unemployed, still a bit depressed, still don't have the close relationships with friends and family that I want, still am not the person I want and can be. The only way for me to break out of the life I've created for myself, is to figure out what I want to do, who I want to be, and patiently, steadfastly, learn, grow and develop those personality characteristics, skills and talents. Eventually, I'll wake up, and realize I've left my personal Groundhog day.
Y'know, I made up my mind (and trust me, I'm stubborn) to pick some small, achievable, tangible things that I need to, and can easily do right now. I made a commitment to myself to do these simple things. I've been doing them. It doesn't come easy for me, and I keep getting frustrated and impatient about it... but I'm doing it and am proud of myself for it. I bought a subscription to an on-line computer book site, and have set aside at least one hour every day to study. As hard as it is for me to do; much as it pains me, I've stuck with it and have been pretty consistent about it. I've set aside time each day that I have my son, to just be a dad, 100%. To explore his world with him, listen to his view of the world, and be there for him. I'm developing new friendships and trying to rekindle old ones little by little. I arranged for a group of people to get together and take our kids to the Children's Discovery Museum in San Jose. I've actually read a bit about meditation, plugged in one of those meditation CDs, and spent a half hour (almost) every day meditating. None of these are grand things, nor are they particularly impressive. Yet, to me, they're important, groundbreaking and earth shattering. Perhaps this, will be my ticket out of my Groundhog day.
WhyCali?
