I meditated yesterday, while my son was in school. It's just such a California thing, isn't it? Well, okay, maybe so. Still, I'm always so amazed at how great and refreshed I feel after I finish. It's sort of meditation for beginners, 
since I believe it takes years of consistent mediation to be really good at it. The goal of meditation is to calm your body and focus intensely on nothing... well perhaps something, but avoid thinking about things. At least that's what it means for me.
I remember in College I took a stress management class. It was, perhaps, the one class I remember and enjoyed the most. He taught us about meditation, and began with what he called progressive muscle relaxation. Basically, you tense each muscle group, then relax them. Before taking that class, and doing that exercise, I'd never realized how much stress and tension I carry around in my body. The funniest thing I remember was my neck and shoulders. 
At the beginning of the exercise, I completely relaxed. When we got to the part where I stress my neck and shoulders, then again relax, I was amazed! I thought I was relaxed, but realized I'd actually be holding my head up, ever so slightly.
The course textbook, which I'm sure is out of circulation now, gave us a script. I played some soft calming Mozart and slowly, softly read the script into a tape recorder. I used the tape all the time, to help me calm down and relax. The trick, which was always hard for me, was to avoid going to sleep. And avoid thinking about anything... just focus and concentrate on something completely benign, like a single-syllable nonsense word, or an imaginary colorless dot.
Yesterday, I scoured the internet for a script or audio guide through PMR. I found a few, if you're interested, here are the links I found:
There were a few scripts out there too, like this one. I wound up using the shuteye audios. Overall it was good, but there were a few annoying things about it. Still, was what I was looking for. I downloaded the MP3's and burned a CD.
I made my room as quiet, dark and comfy as possible. Put the CD in the player, and went through the whole thing. Right in the middle, of course the train went by. 
Moments later an air force plane flew overhead and a macho noisy Harley drove by. But I did a pretty good job of not letting that affect my relaxation. By the time it was over, I was somewhere between sleep and meditation. I let myself say very still and relaxed for about a half hour after doing the exercise. I felt soooo refreshed alert and just plain good for the rest of the day.
My son has earned a trip to Chuck E Cheeze tonight, which is always such a calm relaxing place for me (lol). I just put him down for his nap, and I'm gonna try the PMR again today while he's napping.
I am working again, finally. It is full time, and I'm being well compensated, still it's only a three week job. No, I'm not feeling completely comfortable, it's not perfect, and I'm a little rusty. At the same time, I'm working. I'm actually meeting with clients, and doing what I do best... and, getting paid for it.
my emotional eggs in any single basket. I know I need to base my self-esteem on me, and me alone. Still, I've always looked to the outside world, co-workers, clients, managers, executives, peers and subordinates to define how I view myself. 
Maybe I was just being far too hard on myself. It was real to me, but had I judged myself against a realistic bar, rather than some fantasy of who I should be, perhaps I would have believed I was still very capable. Whatever the case, I chose to believe that I was a fraud. I muddled through five years there, working on some really impressive assignments with big name clients. But I was loosing emotional grounding, and I didn't really know where to go, who to speak with, what to do.