This is the second part of a several part posting discussing my views of healthy communication in interpersonal relationships. If you've not read the first part, you may want to. You can find it here.
Blame sucks! It really does. There is NOTHING good about it. It doesn't benefit anyone. It doesn't fix anything. So there's no real benefit to it. In fact, when I'm blamed.... or even think I'm being blamed, I get really defensive. Perhaps, if that notorious blame ball lands in my lap, I wind up feeling bad, feeling guilty. And what good does that do to anyone?
Think about this scenario: I go out to eat, but just can't figure out what I want:
Waiter: Hi there! Have you made up your mind?
Me: Sure! I'll have the steak, medium rare.
Waiter: Which sides would you like with that?
Me: I'll take the baked potato and veggies.
Waiter: Would you like soup or salad with that?
Me: How about the soup!
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink?
Me: Y'know, on second thought, let me have the spaghetti!
Waiter: Did you want a side of spaghetti?
Me: No the entree, cancel the steak. Just give me the spaghetti
Waiter: Okay, did you want anything to drink?
Me: Sure, how about Iced Tea.
Waiter: Anything else?
Me: Uhm, y'know what, let me have a salad instead of the soup.
Waiter: okay, what dressing would you like?
Me: How about ranch?
Waiter: Okay, I'll be right back with your bread
Me: Hand on a second, switch that to French dressing.
Waiter: [rolling his eyes] That's not a problem, French it is!
Me: Actually, I think I'd rather have the soup!
Waiter: Okay, no salad, add soup. Is that it?
Me: Yep, thanks a lot!
Then the food comes, the runner drops off a salad with 1000 Island dressing! I ordered the soup, I hate 1000 island dressing, and I'm hungry as all! I call over the waiter and tell him that I ordered the soup, not the salad. Can he bring me soup instead? The waiter could reply in a myriad of different ways. He might say, flat out, "You ordered the salad!" If he's a bit more experienced, he'd probably apologize and bring me the soup. Then again, he'd be accepting blame there and may feel guilty. In fact, some restaurant patrons might even take that into consideration when figuring out his tip. Perhaps, if he's worried about his tip, he might blame it on the kitchen. "I'm very sorry, there's a new salad prep guy in the back and he's been messing up orders all night. I'll take care of that for you!" But who's fault is it? Is it mine for changing my mind so many times? His for ordering the wrong thing? The runner's fault for bringing the wrong item? Maybe it is the new salad prep guy in the back.
What happened, though, in that scenario? My comment put the waiter on the spot. I was assigning blame to him for getting me the wrong thing. Which could very well make him feel guilty, worry about his tip... or even his job. If he's like me, and rests his ego with his job, he may have even heard it as a personal attack. But that's not where I wanted to go at all. I don't really care who's fault it is. I simply want some food, that I like, in my tummy.
I'd like to think I'd skip the whole blame thing altogether! My preference would be to say something like, "Excuse me. Could you please bring me some soup, rather than this salad?" There, I'm skipping the whole blame thing. I'm not to blame, he's not to blame.... nobody is wrong. I simply want some soup!
Well, I do the blame thing far too often. It's ingrained... burned in my psyche. When I do it with friends, family or acquaintances, I wind up damaging the relationship. There's nobody I know who enjoys or gets any benefit out of blame! It really doesn't matter if I blame them directly, indirectly, or even imply that there is fault here and it's not me. When blamed, I just feel guilty... bad, and I don't want that.
Don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of personal responsibility and learning how to improve myself. Ideally, regardless of the situation, I do like to look my interactions over and see how I could make it smoother in the future. When I have done something hurtful, malicious and vindictive... and yes, I have, I want to acknowledge it, apologize, and think about a better way to handle it in the future. There's a difference. It's not blame or guilt, it's being introspective and looking for ways to make myself better. I'm not walking around feeling bad about myself. I'm accepting my imperfections and investigating how to fix them.
So, blame sucks! It makes me (and others) feel defensive, bad and guilty. It doesn't fix or change the issue. It's a complete diversion. It's damaging to the relationship. Therefore, I want it out of my life. I want to train myself to avoid the whole blame discussion, and get to the solution. I also want to learn how to refocus conversations when I'm being blamed (or at least think I am).
