This is the third part of a several part posting discussing my views of healthy communication in interpersonal relationships. If you've not read the first part, you may want to. You can find it here.
For years, I've heard from just about every resource in the world... shrinks, self-help books, TV shows, you name it... that I have no control over anyone but myself. That I do own the key to my own thoughts, feelings and actions. And have no divine right to persuade, change, modify, grow or develop anyone else.
Sure, sure.... I know, you sales and marketing folks probably completely disagree with that. We all know how the right packaging, the correct colors and layout, product placement, etc. will sucker us into believing we need to buy that stuff, whether we need it or not. I've heard how McDonalds chose certain colors that they'd found generated hunger thoughts. Fast food restaurant prices make it tempting to upsize an spend just a few cents more. Razor companies, sheesh! Razors went from one blade to two, two blades to three, three to three with a battery, then four blades.. and yep now even five blades just to get us to buy THEIR brand. My son can't walk through the supermarket without wanting the most expensive brand of fruit snacks, yogurt or cereal. So who says I only have control over myself, and can't persuade others?
Well, sure, I've heard people called controlling or manipulative. Hell, people have even branded me with those titles at times. But what is controlling or manipulative behavior? In a sense it's just like the 
marketing or sales folks. They make a living trying to get the rest of us to think the way they want. So do politicians for that matter. I've heard several news stories over the past couple of years about Christian Missionaries being killed, taken hostage, and other things. The media speak about them in glowing terms. They're just there to help. But I view it quite differently. What is a missionary? Some view them as being generous and noble. They're not only offering food, money, shelter, medical care, etc... but to ice the cake, they're offering salvation as well. Too many Americans, as I see it, believe that. My views differ. I see Missionaries as manipulative and controlling. They take advantage of hardship to force their own beliefs down somebody's throat.
How would we take it? Imagine if Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, or Jews went to New Orleans and told the Christians down there that they could have help, food, shelter, warmth, medical care, financial assistance. All they had to do is renounce Jesus Christ and start worshiping Buddha, Allah, Ganesha, Yahweh? They'd be run out of town, wouldn't they? I believe they would, why? Because they're being controlling and manipulative. When I hear about those poor missionaries being so mistreated, I balance that with an understanding of how offensive their work really is to people with differing beliefs and cultures. So, sure, Missionaries, sales and marketing people, politicians are often quite successful in their controlling and manipulative efforts. Ultimately, though, I'm not fond of any of these people because of what they're doing, what they stand for.
How does all this relate to me? It's pretty straightforward. When I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, or disagreeing with someone else's beliefs, I try to change their mind. I believe Missionary work is cruel, vicious and manipulative. Some think it's quite the opposite. Who's right? Well, as discussed in my "truth" article, we both are.... we both have different perspectives and have every right to our own beliefs. So my efforts to convince them otherwise is... well, missionary work isn't it? That, I've come to accept, is my own controlling and manipulative nature. I don't believe it good for others to do to me, so why do I do it?
All those books told me that I can change myself all I want, but I have no control over others. Any time I look at another person, and think they're wrong or they need to change, it's a problem. Dr. Phil and many of the other self-help gurus of our time call this, "right thinking" or "other focused". But, hey, what if it IS their problem? What if they do need to change? When I ask myself those questions... and I do that far too frequently, I'm simply asking the wrong question.
I worked on a short-term consulting engagement recently. The client was limited in office space, so he bunked me up sharing a cubicle with someone else. In the morning my cubemate brought some breakfast, and sat down to eat in our cube. The guy eats with his mouth open, and was smacking his lips all through breakfast. It drove me up a wall. Finally, he finished breakfast and tossed his plate away. "Ahhhhhhhhhh", I thought.... FINALLY! Then, he reached in his bag and fetched a huge bag of Starburst candy. The bag was noisy, the wrappers were noisy and, of course, he ate them with his mouth open. ALL DAY LONG! I was about to (star)burst!
I thought about telling him to stop eating, or close his mouth. At the same time, I didn't want to rock the boat. I've been out of work for far too long to damage the little work I had. So, I found creative ways to work away from him so I didn't have to listen to his lip smacking. Then, I realized I was stuck in "right thinking"... I was being "other focused". In my mind, the problem was clearly HIS eating habits and HIS noise making. But, wait a second. Trying to change him is manipulative and controlling, isn't it? I have complete control over my own thoughts, feelings and actions, don't I? Well, was the problem his eating habits or my sensitivity to it? Who's wrong here... who's right? He has every right to eat however he'd like, and I have every right to not enjoy hearing it. But why did I focus on HIS eating habits, when I'd be much better served by looking at my own sensitivity?
That's not to say that there's anything wrong with my sensitivity. I'm quite fine in my judgment that loud eating is a bad thing. Knowing that I can only control myself, I try and make as little noise as possible when I eat. I'm also quite content thinking I don't want to hear his eating. So I can find another place to work. Perhaps, I can even share with him MY beliefs and feelings about it. As long as I take ownership of my own sensitivity. If I focus on my feelings, rather than his actions, I'm in good shape. I could tell him, perhaps, that I can hear him eat (that's an indisputable fact: He's eating, I hear it) and that I'm very sensitive about that (my issue, not his). Without criticizing him, I can certainly share with him that I'm having problems focusing on my work because of my sensitivity. If I did that, it would then be up to him to figure out how he wants to handle it. He could stop eating, he could make an effort to eat more quietly, or he could decide he didn't want to change a thing. Whatever he decided to do would be up to him, there's not a darned thing I can or even should do about it. However I wanted to respond is up to me. If I remained uncomfortable, I could leave... nothing wrong with that.
But the focus should be on me: I am bothered by hearing others eat. I can't focus on my work. That's about me so it's cool. What's uncool is what I was thinking, "he eats too loudly", "he's uncouth". "He needs to work on his eating habits." All other focused, all right thinking.... all wanting to change him, to control him.... all being a missionary. It's perfectly okay for me to be uncomfortable or unhappy with what another person is doing. Still, it's really how I'm taking it, not what they're doing, isn't it?
Well, what about when someone does something really bad? Suppose I'm walking down a dark alley at night, and a woman pulls a gun on me. Really, it's the same situation, in my mind! I can't make her put her gun away, she's going to do whatever she wants to do. I can't control her or change her. I can only look at myself. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? How will I react? There are a million things I could do. I could scream, fight, run, give in... who knows how I'd actually behave. One thing's for sure though, I can't control her gun, her actions, her thoughts, her feelings or anything about her. Some folks advise us to "appear human" to them, try and establish a bond between us. It's not controlling or manipulative to share with her who I am... in fact, it's somewhat endearing. That, many tell us, can mean the difference between life and death. On the other hand, law enforcement advise us not to try and fight (force them, control them, manipulate them). Those are the folks who usually wind up dead.
"Hey, how about your family?" Yep, my son hit another kid in daycare, shouldn't I do something about it? Of course, but is it appropriate for me to be manipulative or controlling with him? Sure, it's tempting, but deep down, I think not. How do I handle it with him? Well, I sat him down and:
"What happened in school today?"
"Nothing"
"Your teacher told me you hit Tasha, what happened there?"
"She took my toy!"
"How did you feel when she did that?"
"Bad!"
"What did you do?"
"Nothing"
"Your teacher said that Tasha cried, and said you hit her"
"She took my toy!"
"Yes, and you felt bad about that huh?"
"Yeah!"
"That wasn't nice of her to take your toy, was it?"
"No!"
"How would you feel if Tasha hit you?"
"Bad."
"So do you think hitting her is a good thing?"
"No."
"Can you think of a good way to react when somebody takes your toy?"
<hiding his face> "Tell the teacher?"
"Sure, that's one good way to handle it. I can think of a few more, wanna hear them?"
"Yeah."
"When somebody takes my toys, I say, 'HEY, I was playing with that!' Sometimes they give it back, sometimes they don't. If they don't, I might tell her that I'm mad about it. Maybe I'd tell the teacher. I might get another toy and play with that, I might even ask if they want to play with the toy WITH me."
"oh."
Y'know, from time to time, he still reacts physically, grabs, pushes even hits kids. I can create incentives for him to not react violently. I can create repercussions for him when he does things like that. I can mentor him, as I did in our conversation. Perhaps the most valuable thing I can do is model good, appropriate behavior for him. How do I react when he takes something off my desk? Do I grab it back from him? Do raise my voice? Do I punish him in some way? He's going to do to other kids what dad does to him. No, I don't hit or push him.... but he doesn't have the ability to give another kid a timeout. I'm his dad, it's my job to help him develop. But, ultimately, he will do what he wants to do. I try my best to help him discover coping skills I view as appropriate. In the end, controlling and manipulating him won't work... he'll just learn to be controlling and manipulative himself.
From my last posting here, it's clear that blame sux, and does nothing but hurt the situation. Isn't other thinking.... isn't right thinking really about blame? Think about my cubemate. By thinking his eating habits were bad, wasn't I blaming him for my discomfort? Isn't a missionary, in essence, implying that people's problems boil down to their not being Christian? Wasn't my son blaming Tasha for being a toy thief? In a sense, isn't Schick and Gillette saying you're guilty of bad shaving practices? Okay maybe that was a bit of a stretch, but still valid I think. I'm going to work on focusing on my own thoughts, feelings and actions. To take ownership of my side, and try my best to retrain myself to stop trying to change other people.
other thinking = blame = sux
